In a move to distinguish itself within the Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletic Conference (MIAC), Gustavus College’s board of directors has unveiled plans to launch a new Division III sport: collegiate racing. The board believes this innovative addition will catapult Gustavus to the forefront of collegiate athletics. “While other schools focus on mundane sports like football and basketball, we’re embracing the speed of the future,” declared Board Chair Marjorie Brown. “We’ve decided that what the MIAC needs is the exhilarating rush of racing—think Formula One, but with more Gatorade and fewer crashes.” The board is confident this will draw not just local talent, but also international students eager to race their way to academic and athletic glory.
Adding a cherry on top of this bold move, Gustavus has reportedly secured the talents of Hideki Konno, the lead game designer of Mario Kart 8, to coach their fledgling team. “Who better to steer our athletes towards victory than the mind behind Rainbow Road?” Brown mused. Konno’s extensive experience with karting physics, banana peel strategy, and blue shell avoidance is expected to give Gustavus a competitive edge. “Our aim is to turn Gustavus into a hub of racing excellence, where our students will not only excel academically but also learn the invaluable skill of dodging obstacles at high speeds,” Speedster said with a wink. The new team is set to begin recruiting drivers immediately, with a special emphasis on those with quick reflexes, a tolerance for tight corners, and a penchant for throwing turtle shells.
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